Saturday , 19 August 2017

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Rant #4: The Barber Did What?

Another week, another top 11 on American Idol and another Rant by our own JenN.  That save last week was pretty dramatic – and can I just say “Hulk Hogan is my American Idol”… or not.

This week on Duckface and the Dawg…other people do my job for me…Duckface goes nearly an hour without telling someone his or her performance is beauteeful…barbers “cut” Casey’s hair almost as well as seamstresses sew in The Emperor’s New Clothes…the recommended daily allowance of karate chops to the neck is increased…and I am actually offended to my core on behalf of all my Jamaican brethren. (Note: I am not Jamaican. In light of last night, that appears to be irrelevant.)

Nothing tickles my pickle more than waking up at the crack of creation to find irate emails awaiting me regarding last night’s show! Keep it coming minions!! I will include everything you bitch about in The Rant. Unless I don’t agree with you. In which case…… suck it.

Also, I heart Elton John. Hard. I own a few of his CDs. You know I’m legit because I said CDs. I’m not some Elton-lover come lately, with the downloading and the iTuning and what have you. I believe I even have the cassingle of 1989’s “Sacrifice.” Arguably, not one of his best songs, but I’m a recovering sap.

Off we go then.

• McLeany leaves me totally astounded by singing “Country Comfort” in a “country style.” I’m kind of over Scotty. He’s a one-trick Ford F-150 and I’m bored. The only thing remotely interesting about his performance was that it wasn’t beauteeful. No doubt, Duckface got my memo and got himself a thesaurus…which enabled him to come up with incredible feedback like “there’s nothing I can say to you that an old-fashioned pair of high-heeled cowboy boots wouldn’t fix.”
I don’t understand what that means.

• Naima. My blood begins to pound in my head when I think about this. I have to save this for last.

• Paul sings “Rocket Man.” How do I put this? It was not…good. I’m a Paul fan – or at least I was. Dawg likes it when Paul is in the “tender zone.” That sounds like a steak special they should run at Outback. Duckface commends Paul on his not-hitting-the-correct-notes ability. Certainly something I look for in a singer. And hey, as Duckface points out, Paul must be good if he’s in the Top 12. What’s that? There’s only 11 now? Oh, right.

• Pia-bot 5000 sings “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” While I’m not sure she struck the cross between Fergie and Axl Rose that Jimmy requested (side note – wtf is that guy on and where can I get some?), she was good. I guess. Here, Duckface applauds her for choosing the right notes. I feel Duckface’s message about right notes versus wrong notes is getting somewhat muddled. Also, Pia makes him cry inside. Duckface makes me cry outside.

• Stefano sings “Tiny Dancer,” and he’s not even through the first line before my eyes have rolled so far back into my head that I start to seize. And that walk to the judges’ table with his hand extended at the end? BAZOOKA BARF. At least the Dawg made a funny and held out his hand. Also, the Dawg commended him on keeping his eyes open. Yup. That’s about the only positive thing I could say about Stefano’s Musical Menagerie of Douchebaggery too. J-Lo says he makes her feel…something. It’s unrelenting nausea, Jenny.

• Lauren sings “Candle in the Wind,” after that photographer guy tells America she “ate the camera.” Not nice, photographer guy. So I really don’t care for the country twang Lauren puts on her songs, but that’s just personal preference. I have an aversion to twang. A twangversion, if you will. Will you? Great. That aside, you can’t really deny that she was probably one of the best of the night. Dawg said it was her greatest performance on that stage ever. You know, compared to the other three. And then Duckface says it was BEAUTEEFUL! BWAHAHAHAHA!! I knew you couldn’t stay away, lover.

• James sings “Saturday Night’s Alright” and…did I Ambi-dream this? Did he do a David-Lee-Roth-style jump onto the stage? PANAMA!! And was there a flaming piano? I really need to lay off the pills. In perhaps his only lucid moment so far this season, Duckface warns James not to overdo the high notes, saying “don’t wear out your welcome or you’ll end up just like me.” HAHAHAHAHA I think I might love DF a little now! Then Duckface completely undoes my new love and tells James he’s beauteeful, man.

• Thia sings “Daniel.” Snore. Dawg tells her she’s safe, and while it makes me itch, I can’t agree more. J-Lo tells her it’s beauteeful. Oh for fuck’s sake.

• Casey sings “Your Song” and gets back in my good graces. I am glad they saved Casey last week, though I could have done without the judges verbally jizzing on themselves over their decision. And Dawg reminds us that he’s totally a legit musician by asking Casey if he used a major nine chord. Ugh WE GET IT Randy, you got mad cred, aight? Meanwhile, a Ranter we’ll call ‘Pappy’ said to me “that’s the big haircut reveal? He used to look like a lumberjack. Now he looks like a lumberjack. WTF?!” That barber totally hosed Idol.

• Jacob sings “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word,” and the first half of the song is…not terrible. But…then…the short bus from the Church of What The Hell cuts off two lanes of traffic and tears ass Europe-style down the wrong side of Melody Boulevard, and It’s. Just. Horrible. If Elton John were there he’d beat Jacob with a garbage bag full of feathers. Duckface says he liked the first half, and the second half, but I’m pretty sure I saw him shooting smack during the last satan-forsaken note. And Dawg says something totally useful about putting a race horse in a gas tank.
• Haley McHooker-heels sings “Benny and the Jets” almost entirely in the style of Miss Piggy. I want to karate chop her in the neck. Make her STOP DOING THAT! This is not “Big Spender,” you silly broad. But the judges LOVE IT! Are they high? Am I high? Quadruple blarf with hurl dressing and a side of kak. Pappy had another nugget of wisdom for this one – “J-Lo was pooping during it. That is all.” ‘Nuf said.

• OK. Now let’s talk about Naima’s “I’m Still Standing.” I can’t even begin to understand what she, the producers, the UNIVERSE were thinking when they allowed this bullshit to happen. It was so very, very wrong on so many levels I don’t know where to begin. Ha! Yes I do! First off, she sodomized one of my favorite Elton John songs with a Swiffer and then left it to bleed to death on the side of the road. Secondly, the shout out to people who are still standing? Yeah. Blow me. Third, according to Ranter Dom, “I’ve seen better homemade outfits on drag queens.” And he would know! (Kisses, bitch!) Fourth…REALLY? The fake accent? REALLY? Isn’t that, like, racist, or…SOMETHING? Is “morally reprehensible” too strong? “Naima singing with a Jamaican accent?!? WTH,” writes Flipperdoodle. Doodle – can we sue for emotional distress? I WANT DAMAGES!!! J-Lo says some songs are not “meant to be flipped 360…er, 180…er, whatever,” (math is hard!) and sweet over-sized hoops is she ever right! Meanwhile Dawg loves reggae! “Ja! Or, whatever!” But he thinks it’s corny. I think it’s corn shit. And Duckface says…boom shacka lacka baby.
I don’t understand what that means.

It would be a pig piece of frosted awesome if Naima and either Jacob or Stefano got the boot tonight, but based on last week’s bottom three I feel clammy and uncomfortable making predictions today.

Rant #4: The Barber Did What? Reviewed by on . Another week, another top 11 on American Idol and another Rant by our own JenN.  That save last week was pretty dramatic - and can I just say "Hulk Hogan is my Another week, another top 11 on American Idol and another Rant by our own JenN.  That save last week was pretty dramatic - and can I just say "Hulk Hogan is my Rating:
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