Dawg, Dawg, awg awg aw-awg, Duckface, Duckface fa-ace, Ga Ga ooh la la…WANT YOUR BAD IDOL!

Come one, come all, to this freak-show edition of Duckface and the Dawg.  Does anyone else find it worrisome that GaGa, a complete lunatic (though arguably a talented and/or brilliant one), is the only person making any sense on this clusterfuck of a show anymore?

And sweet mother of shit what was Fer-Pez wearing??

I woke up this morning to ZERO snarky emails, texts, faxes, telegrams, smoke signals, etc. about last night’s episode.  I guess you all are as bored as I am.

  • James sings “Don’t Stop Believing” and I suddenly can’t figure out how to parallel park. Hey, did you guys know Dawg was in Journey?  He’s NEVER mentioned that before.  Learn something new every day.  James was…James.  Side note – I think he’s going to Duckface’s hair stylist; they are sporting similar accent highlights.
  • Piggy Del Hookerheels Von Disco Eyeballs sings “Earth Song.” Just what I needed.  A lecture from someone who’s biggest contribution to society thus far is increasing sales of BeDazzlers and Etsy headbands.  When I heard her sing this last night, grating Piggy-ing aside, my first thought was “this song is too big for her.”  I just watched MJ’s video for the song and yo, yo, check it out, yo.  When you write “We Are the World” you can get away with shit like this.  20-year-old Haley, CANNOT.  Re-watching it today (I <3 pain) I am even more irritated.  Oddly the judges, known far and wide for their incomparable ability to articulate feedback, couldn’t seem to convey that message.  Or at least Fer-Pez and Dawg couldn’t.  It seemed like their chief complaint was that Haley didn’t pick a Journey song and that she screamed the same note over and over again (which she did – no argument there Dawg).  Duckface pretty much told those two to go jump up their own asses.  “I nailed you.  I mean you nailed it.”
  • So, while we’re at it, would it be alright if we didn’t sing any songs about 9/11? Apparently not.  But the judges were dry-humping McLeany after this mediocre (at best!) performance.  Two beauteefuls from the Face.  I.  Don’t.  Get.  It.
  • Lauren sings about tornadoes.  Or something. Duckface thinks she’s beauteeful, she sings like a blue-plate special, and she has cool buckles on her shoes.  ???  Dawg says she’s in it to win it.  Please make this season be over.
  • Weeeeeeee (splat!) for second helpings of swine.  Piggy sings “I Who Have Nothing.” GOD DAMN IT RANDY JUST SAID SHE’S IN IT TO WIN IT!!!!!  HULK SMASH!!!!!!
  • GaGa tells McLeany to sexually assault the microphone.  Scotty ignores her and French kisses a cross instead. Duckface’s “GaGa-ya-ya-la-la I miss if drinking don’t kill me your memory will” feedback makes me think that, from here on out, I need to drink heavily before I watch Idol.  Draino, preferably.
  • Lauren sings “Trouble.” I think she and Haley are in big trouble for ransacking the Dynasty wardrobe closet.  The best part of this song was the dude on the keytar.
  • James sings “Love Potion No. 9.” I prefer the Tate Donovan version.

I think maybe Lauren will go home tonight?  Maybe?  Shit.  I don’t know.

Not that ANYONE gives a flying rat’s ass, but I’ll be washing my hair/out of the country next week.  Don’t worry, though, you will not go Rantless.  Pantless, if you like, but not Rantless.  I’ll be back for the (blessed) terminus of this aural and cerebral raping in two weeks.