Welcome to this week’s kinder more gentle rant as our true queen of rant, JenN had the audacity to go on vacation and I’m just not as bad-ass as she is.  But thankfully JenN has sent me some replacement commentators to help me through what promises to be a tough night for… well… humanity.

Remember last week when they said over and over again that only 3 get to go home as heroes?  Well apparently that was a big, fat, whopper of a lie as the firs thing they showed was last week’s loser, James Durbin going home to a hero’s welcome and stadium full of people.  You go James with your ridiculous tail.  You’re still my American Idol.  (Or you were once everyone else got kicked off).

But back to the opening… FlipperDoodle emailed to point out Randy’s weird outfit – and says “Two minutes in and my husband’s favorite part so far is the Terra Nova commercial.  And I don’t think he wants to watch Terra Nova”.  I spot a guy in a dog suit in the opening scan of the audience and I’m all “there’s a guy in a dog suit”.

Next we have a montage of “Beyonce is awesome” – which she is.  But when they show they J-Lo you can see that she’s annoyed and thinking “at least I got voted prettiest… take that Beyonce”.

Okay here we go:

Round 1:  Contestants Pick

  • Scotty:   First question – can’t someone dress him better?  Flipperdoodle says “Beyonce likes his range – sometimes he smirks left, sometimes he smirks right.  It makes me feel icky, but I actually think this is not bad.  My hubby says it just makes him feel icky.”  I was kinda bored – and in a shocking turn of events, Ste-Ty thought it was beeautiful when he got angry in the song.  Er – huh?  Oh and wait – I was about to fast forward but then in another shocking turn of events, Randy chooses name dropping instead of a critique.  Oh and it was pitchy.
  • Lauren:  Flipperdoodle says, “I was distracted for a while trying to remember her name.  She was fine but blah.  I’m not going to mention her accessories – it seems too easy.”  Nice of Flipperdoodle, but I’m not that nice.  Her outfit was an unmitigated disaster.  The shirt was unflattering and ugly.  The Smithsonian called and demanded the boots be returned to the Hee Haw exhibit – and we can thank Hailey for introducing her to Etsy where she clearly got those god-awful earrings.  J-Glo and the Dawg didn’t critique her, they just told her what she should be doing when she comes out there and Duckface said something about her being ready to have America all over her.  Eewww.(Note:  After this song, Flipperdoodle decides she can no longer watch the judges and says “Why not let their families critique them after each song?  What is the point, really?!?  At least skipping parts is making watching this stuff more efficient.”)
  • Haley:   She makes what could be a disastrous song choice by picking a Led Zepplin song that not everyone knows, but I actually think it was her best performance to date (and since I’m not a country music fan, she might have to be my American Idol by default).  The performance starts and she’s sort of running all over and I’m thinking “that doesn’t seem wise” and then bam she’s on the ground.  Whoops.  To her credit, she didn’t miss a note.  Flipperdoodle  thought the Dad thing was cool, as did I, but mostly Flipperdoodle is excited because she has now spotted the guy in the dog suit and says “Love that!!  More of that!!”

The Dawg and J-Show give round 1 to Haley and this Rantificator-in-training agrees.   Duckface mumbles something about Lauren and needing his meds.

Round 2:   Jimmy Iovine’s Pick

  • Scotty:  Jimmy picks a country song I have never heard of (though that doesn’t mean anything since I know maybe 2 country songs).  He manages to some full body leaning with the guitar and of course the usual facial tics complete the number.  I actually thought it wasn’t bad.  Flipperdoodle was bored and wishes he would’ve played the flute instead.  Amber suspects he’s sleeping with Lauren.  Duckface thought it was beeautiful.  J-Blow-by-Blow bored me recapping the entire song and asked him to shave his head which totally weireded me out.  The Dawg did some more name dropping and said McLeany  is in it to win it.  Original.
  • Lauren:   Awkward pre-performance moment of a makeup artist putting makeup on Lauren’s legs and with pervy Ryan asking if he could help.  Flipperdoodle says “I was extremely nervous about her skirt overexposing her.  Actually thought she wasn’t bad though.  Ok, maybe she has some talent but I still can’t imagine stopping the radio scan when I hear her voice.”  I spend the entire song focused on her bizarrely shiny made-up legs.  But agree with Flipperdoodle.  Not bad.  According to the judges she messed something up, but I was too focused on her legs and her second pair of hideous Etsy earrings that I missed it.  The judges gave her a “you go girl” kind of meh response but lurved Jimmy’s song choice.  The shot of him giggling like a schoolgirl in the audience was er um strange.(Note:  At this point Flipperdoodle takes a break to watch Modern Family. And says, “Love that show.”)
  • Haley:  Jimmy picks Rhiannon by Stevie Nicks for Haley… good song.  I’m hopeful.  But wait what is up with the wind machine?  Flipperdoodle is beside herself and thinks she may never recover from the trauma.  I spent the entire time wondering where the actual machine was.  Despite all of that – I thought she sang it will enough – but meh.  The Dawg threatened to grow his hair out and get his own wind machine – which frankly I would like to see

Round 2 is over and The Dawg and J-Ho give it to a soon-to-be-bald McLeany.  Duckface in a shocking turn of events chooses Lauren.  I choose no one.  They were all lame.  If I weren’t practicing to be a rantologist, I would probably turn it off at this point.  But we soldier on.

And now we take a break for a Beyonce video.  I might be showing my age here, but I didn’t get it.  Flipperdoodle says “Beyonce’s craptacular song may have been the perfect palate cleanser so I can power through the rest of this show.  I love Beyonce.  Who doesn’t?!  But that song bites.”

Round 3:  Judges Pick

  • Scotty:  The judges pick a Kenny Rogers song.  Flipperdoodle says DULL.  She doesn’t get it.  I can’t even watch.  I have to fast forward.  Sorry JenN.  Though I do have to stop my Tivo when they show J-Whoa passionately singing along.  Really Jenny-From-The-Block?  Then I’m sucked in by the sad, karaoke pitchiness of the whole thing.  Can you say train wreck?  The judges are high.  I want whatever they’re taking.  Amber says “chorus” is tonight’s bonus word.
  • Lauren: The judges pick “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack.  I like that song but it sooooo played out.  What is wrong with these dumbass judges? Wait… don’t answer that.  Okay her hair looks good, her earrings are actually pretty, but why is she wearing a sparkly prom dress with a cowhide belt.  And the singing – as expected… karaoke horrificness.  Uuuccchhh.  J-Gross talks about her goose-bumps like they are people.  The Dawg and Duckface are best friends with Lee Ann…Sheesh.  Oh and wait Duckface is Lauren’s biggest fan.  No surprise there.
  • Haley:  The judges pick “You Ought to Know” by Alanis Morissette.  I’m hopeful.  But no.  Flipperdoodle says “Why?  Why?  Why?  The judges must really hate her.  This sucks!!!!  This is definitely what she should sing to Casey or any other boy that she wants to punish.  Beyonce is thanking her for distracting us from Beyonce’s song.” It started out way rough – but got better on the… wait for it Amber… chorus.  The judges er loved the choruses.  The Dawg who only knows three sentences, used them all.

Phew… it’s over – I think I have aged significantly.  A special shout out to JenN.  This ranting thing is way harder than it looks.  And thanks to Amber and FlipperDoodle for their contributions.  I will complete the post with Amber’s overall complaint about this season.  She says “NO ORIGINALITY. I’d take a Blake Lewis, David Cook, Chris Daughtry… and, dare I say… James Durbin. But, a mediocre Kenny Rogers, Stevie Nicks or Alanis Morissette?  Really?  That’s the show?”

— DanaB in for JenN – and now out!