JenN is back with an even rantier rant – and for good reason. Last night’s American Idol was why they invented the Tivo FF button. And the fact that you can’t hear anything while FFing is an added blessing!
Welcome to another installment of Duckface and the Dawg! In it we chronicle the adventures of an aging rocker whose brain has partially melted due to long term drug abuse, along with his trusty and now occasionally relevant pal the Dawg! Oh yeah, Jennifer Lopez is there too.
It appears in my 2011 inaugural rant I failed to incorporate La Lopez into my analysis. Shame on me. Maybe I was fooled by the rocks that she got?
Off we go then into the Top 12. The episode begins with Duckface singing. Oh good. This bodes well. And he’s wearing some frickin’ sweet threads. Literally, gold threads…I’m guessing QVC?
Hey, AI is going to donate proceeds from this week’s song pimpage to aid disaster relief in Japan. That’s cool. Way to give back Idol.
- Naima sings some Tina Turner…and not very well. Right out of the gate I am annoyed here because some jerkoff producer in the interview sections says something to the effect of “waaaay back in 1984.” Really? Is that how we’re going to roll tonight? Then here comes Naima, and the first thing I write down (yes, I take notes haters) is “SHARP.” Hey, I was in the band (haters!). I know the difference between sharp and flat. But apparently…The Dawg does not. He keeps saying she was under the pitch. And by under he means over. Somebody – can I get a what what on this or what? Meanwhile, Duckface says it’s “beauteeful” and that Naima has “a sorcerer’s grasp on melody.” As opposed to the one he has on reality. And J-Lo said…er…some stuff.
- Paul sings Elton John…and not very well. I heart lanyard-wearing Paul, but that was a rough one. He’s hoarse as hell, and possibly robo-tripping. At least he’s generous, though, as cough medicine abuse makes Duckface’s “you’re a cool dude in a loose mood” comment somewhat understandable. Side note – when I was a kid I swore the lyrics to this song were “Rolling like Fonda, under the covers…” At eight years old I was convinced that Elton John was implying that Jane Fonda was a bit sluttish.
- Thia sings (OH FUCK ME she was born when I was a sophomore in college) some Vanessa Williams song…and it’s not horrible, but it’s boring as ass. Which is what Dawg says. CURSES! Duckface says it’s “beauteeful.” J-Lo says some nonsense about her vibrato.
The next thing I have written down is “Japan is screwed.”
Also, did I not get the memo that feathers are the new “it” accessory? Or are they all trying to suck up to Duckface?
- James Durbin sings Bon Jovi…and I have hope…until he crushes it. The best part of this performance was seeing Kate Hudson fisting some Cheetos before Durbin started singing. I like Durbin, and as I am from New Jersey I am genetically programmed to like Bon Jovi – but this was cheesy and that screamy-note was flatter than Kate Hudson’s bosoms. Then there was some chatterboxery from Durbin about singing with Duckface in the finale (presumptuous much?) followed by this from Mr. Face: “that man has a rich vein if inner crazy. I’ll join him.”
Yeah. CLEARLY, James Durbin is the crazy one here.
- Hayley sings “I’m Your Baby Tonight.” You’re my baby alright. My drunk baby! Did she not sound like a drunk baby when she sang? J Lo started by saying how great she looked. That’s ALWAYS the kiss of death. And then there was the whole wiping-off-of-the-lipstick-thing with Ryan, which made me vaguely uncomfortable. I think Drunk Baby will be in the bottom three tonight.
- Stefan knocks Milli Vanilli, NKOTB and Tone Loc, then sings what he thinks is Simply Red but is actually Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes because these little zygotes have NO CONCEPT OF MUSICAL HISTORY! Deep breaths. J-Lo thinks he’s perfect. Duckface was singing along. Dawg thinks it’s over the top. Over the top of a toilet bowl, perhaps. B-L-A-R-F. I’ll take “Funky Cold Medina” over that shit-salad any day.
- Pia sings “Where do Broken Hearts Go.” CASIO POWER! Ahhhh, the sweet samba beat is back. I was getting worried. Pia is a good singer, I just…don’t…like her. I’m not sure why. Duckface says the song is “so retro.” (???) Dawg is foaming at the mouth over Pia, and I’m hoping he’s up to date on his rabies vaccine.
Before we move forward here, I need to make a little confession. Despite spending some time at the Sober Valley Lodge, I was unable to kick my addiction to the Devil’s Aspirin. And I still get up at the crack of sparrow fart to go to my “real job.” So that doesn’t help. What this means is, I’m on drugs when I watch American Idol. Explains a lot, doesn’t it? I start out lucid, but about halfway through I pass out…but not before writing down some golden nuggets of incomprehensibility! Let’s skip Scotty for a moment and go to…
- Karen. This is what I wrote down: “Less me like Tay Dan rem GH Anna John Padgett Jetson Span duck ethnic-what-it-is-ness.” Don’t believe me? Here’s a pic:
Here’s what I think I was trying to say:
o Karen looks like a Jetson.
o I like that Taylor Dane song, and she’s ruining it.
o Hey, that Taylor Dane song totally reminds me of the General Hospital storyline from 1990 where Anna falls in love with Jonathan Paget who was actually Duke after he faked his own death and got plastic surgery and then as soon as she found out his real identity he got shot and died. That was awesome.
o Duckface makes some lame comment about her singing in Spanish.
o Dawg makes some comment on her ethnic what-it-is-ness??? On drugs or not, that shit makes no sense.
I should go back and watch her performance for clarification, but if it was that bad when I was strung out on Scooby-snacks, I sure as hell don’t need to watch it again. Please let her go home tonight.
- Back to business now – Scotty McCreery (which I watched this morning, sans snacks) aka, The Leaning Tower of Creery, or perhaps Scotty McLeany…oh remember the McLean from McDonald’s? Ha! One side stays hot while the other side stays cool! Take that, McRib! ANYWHOO…(people who say that need a punch in the kidney)…J-Lo says McLeany pushed it out. Like a baby? A drunk baby? Or a…poo? Yeah, I went there. Dawg says he’s rangy.
(of a person or animal) Tall and slim with long, slender limbs.
And there you go.
Also, in case you forgot, Dawg is a super-spectacular musician and producer and is a close, personal friend of Travis Tritt. Pumpernickel! (Makes about as much sense as saying someone’s voice in rangy.)
- Casey Abrams pulls a seriously bone-headed move and sings NIRVANA?? Sweet Chocolate Christ Casey WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???? Dawg applauds him for putting art before commerce. I applaud Dawg for once again proving he’s soooo hip to the jive by throwing out a Radiohead reference. But I’m worried about my boy Casey.
- Lauren has swine flu and sings Melissa Etheridge…and not very well…or am I an a-hole? OK, am I an incorrect a-hole? The judges really liked it. Meh.
- Jacob please-somebody-save-me-from-this-kid Lusk sings Heart. This time Jacob doesn’t take a detour through Screw-you Melodyville…he’s the MAYOR. That last scream was lobotomizing! Yet Dawg says he was tender and caressing at the end (I just threw up in my mouth) and Duckface says he has “matzi.” WHAT THE HELL IS MATZI? Can I eat it at Passover??? J-Lo says, let me consult my notes here…blah blah blah. Hmmm. Side note – can we hear Jacob’s mom sing next week instead of him?
OK kids, to sum up:
Duckface + Dawg = poetry; beware drunk babies, rangy voices, smelling like teen spirit, and swine flu; Jonathan Paget was hot; I said hey you two I was once like you and I like to do the wild thing; and Japan is screwed.
As downloading any of these songs is the definition of masochism, here’s a handy link to donate to the Red Cross: http://www.redcross.org/.