Ah Thursdays… JenN is back with the continuing adventures of Duckface and The Dawg oh and yeah some J-Lo too. Enjoy!
For the love of sweet petite giraffes, can someone PLEASE get Steven Tyler a damned THESAURUS???
Hi everybody! Welcome to this week’s edition of The Rant: brought to you by Motown, the number 69, and the word beauteeful.
I am thrilled to see Randy-want-a-cracker is back, i.e. Ryan says in the pre-taped introduction that Motown was fearless, then Randy says it’s “like he said, fearless.” Raa-aaw! Give Randy a cookie! And maybe some Goo-gone!? Is that a piece of felt stuck on his chin?
Steven Tyler says Motown was “the rhythm of his kiss.” HORF! He actually made me throw up in my mouth, less than three minutes into the show.
J-Lo says…something, but I am too terrified of her eye-shadow to remember what it is. Also, may I say how utterly disappointed in myself that I didn’t come up with this? Dude looks like a Lopez? F’n brilliant.
Off we go then.
- Casey sings “I Heard It Through the Grapevine,” and I’m starting to feel like he’s yelling at me to put the lotion on my skin or else I get the hose again. Is it me, or did Casey have the crazy-eye again last night? I was rooting for him, but apparently last week’s “Smells Like Bad Decision” performance was not an isolated incident. His maniacal, sweaty “Grapevine” leaves me feeling cold and alone. I don’t think he’s going home any time soon, but he may be going to counseling. J-Lo says he has a “niche.” JenN says anyone who pronounces “niche” like “neech” is a pretentious assbag. Randy says “you only do you, you you you you.” Um, great. Duckface says “it’s beauteeful, man.”
- Thia sings “Heatwave” in a totally cute dress. Snnnnooorrrrre. J-Lo gives some critical feedback that includes “remember your lyrics.” Duckface is good with it. Whew! That’s a relief. And, in case anyone missed it, Thia tells us confessionally (is that a word?) back-stage that she jacked up the lyrics. Don’t worry Thia – your secret’s safe with me! And the other 25 million people watching!!
- Jacob sings “You’re All I Need to Get By,” and I don’t hate it. So now I’m confused. I have to give some props to Jimmy I-think-I’m-Bono here…he found a way to get Jacob to tone it down about 7,000 watts without eating his soul, and the result was a pretty good performance. And I liked Jacob’s cute pink tie…because I’m now, in addition to being a certified Idolologist, a fashion expert too. And a vomitologist, apparently, as I watch Duckface go up on stage and make out with Jacob. Taking this rhythm of the kiss thing a little far, aren’t we Stevie? Duckface then pronounces Jacob’s performance is “beauteeful.” (That’s two.)
- Lauren sings “You Keep Me Hangin’ On,” and again, I don’t hate it. What the hell is going on? Sure, I took an Ambien, but I’m still semi-lucid at this point. Duckface says she “ripped that song another beauty mark.” Can someone explain to me wtf that means? Also, it was “beauteeful.” And J-Lo thinks it’s beauteeful. I think it’s beauteeful! Lauren is beauteeful! And Randy thinks she got her swagger on high. Something’s high alright, Dawg.
- Stefano sings “Hello,” and I think I have permanently rolled my eyes into the back of my head. He’s NEVER HEARD THIS SONG BEFORE??? Good LORD when will they invent interactive TV so I can punch him in the kidney from the comfort of my own home? I now officially detest this kid. This version was so wretched I wish I was the chick in Lionel’s video but instead of being blind, I’m deaf. “blah blah blah blah blah blah, for I haven’t got a clue…” (HAHAHAHA NO SHIT STEFANO!) But let me start by saying…I loathe you! (Not as a person. Just as an Idol contestant. Nothing personal man.) Dawg and Lo have some tough love here for the ‘Fano but Duckface thinks his voice is “so beauteeful.” Grrrrrrrr. Also, I really could have done without the Gordon Ramsay douchebaggery here. Bad taste Fox. Even if his mom’s Hamburger Helper did, in fact, taste bad, that’s pretty mean.
- Hayley Hotpants McHookerheels sings “You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me.” Hotpants is a hot mess, and she’s singing Motown Miss-Pigg- style. The judges, inexplicably, seem to like it. Duckface even “feels her” and says she’s…what’s the word…oh yeah, “beauteeful.” (We’re five for six.)
- Scotty twangs his way through my favorite Stevie Wonder song, and while I generally find him likeable, I am overwhelmed by the compulsion to bash n his face with a harmonica. (My strong aversion to country music is probably to blame here. Sorry kids.) McLeany is really working the Pop-eye face on “For Once in My Life,” and I’m even more perplexed by the dancing and…and…is he throwing gang signs? Was that the shocker?? J-Lo says it’s not his strongest performance (ya think?) while Dawg says he should sing Barry White. I kind of wish he would…FOR ME TO POOP ON. And Duckface says he “really ripped it” (hahahaha did he just make a farty funny?) and that it was…”beauteeful.” So, I guess not on the farty funny.
- Pia-bot 5000 sings “All in Love is Fair.” Well. It’s a hard song. She did sing well…Because she is a robot. JenN’s investigative reporting unit has unearthed that Pia was built backstage at Caesar’s Palace by Celine Dion’s mutant army of darkness. True story. Dawg and Lo tell her, and I’m paraphrasing slightly here, that she needs to literally move her ass. Pia-dee-bee-dee-bee-dee agrees with them. That being the case, I’m going to throw out “Gonna Make You Sweat” by C&C Music Factory or “Supermodel (You Better Work)” by the indomitable RuPaul as suggestions for Pia-bot next week. Duckface says she’s “just beauteeful.” I can’t even think of anything funny to say about this beauteeful thing anymore. But we’re nine for ten, if you’re counting.
- Paul sings “Tracks of My Tears.” A little Petty-ish for me, but whatevs. I still like him. Because, and this is new information here so brace yourselves, he’s UNIQUE. Randy wins the quote of the week award (for the 47th time) with this priceless feedback: “…but you kinda took it to a cool kinda Paul kinda Rod Stuarty sorta kinda place.” ……………… J-Lo likes his complete package. Or something. And Duckface thought Paul’s performance was “beauteeful.”
- Naima sings “Dancing in the Streets.” This chick is 100% batshit crazy. And I kind of love her for it. She really went out on a limb this week and sang her song ‘in tune.’ Also, I hope the irony is not lost on you when she sings “it doesn’t matter what you wear.” Bwahahaha CLEARLY! Dawg lays a “good lookin’ out!” on her. 10 seasons and I still don’t know wtf that means. Lo has goosebumps. And Duckface says “E to the Z eau twiddle-dee-dee…it’s a beauteeful thing!” (That has to be a product of the Ambien, RIGHT??????)
- James sings “Livin’ for the City.” Besides some sort of odd people-mover-in-the-airport-dancing here, I thought Durbin was right on. Lamberty Lamb Lamb Lambert – I know I know. Still like him. So suck it. But then – THEN! THEN! The camera flashes to Duckface (fast forward to 3:44) and he looks so utterly pissed…like James has stolen his life-force. In that moment, I swear Duckface is contemplating whaling “DREAM ON! DREAM ON! GA GA GA GA GA GA GA!” in the hopes of restoring his lost youth. I guess that’s neither here nor there. Steven did NOT tell him it was beauteeful. So no beauteeful = you were actually good. Check. Thought the Dawg was being a bit if a hater here too with the “not feeling it in the beginning” BS. And while it’s not cool to mock Tourettes, I love that James’ whacked-out eyebrow thing gives the impression that he’s all, “STFU Dawg – I’M THE SHIT!”
My bottom three: Hotpants, Cute Dress, and Kidney Punch. What do you think?