Welcome to this week’s edition of ‘Duckface and The Dawg!’  (Now with footnotes!)

First off, let me say what a pleasure it is to see that Steven Tyler is taking fashion advice from the Bronx Zoo Cobra.  Meanwhile, Randy has apparently been shopping at Gimps ‘R Us.  J-Lo looked great, though maybe she might want to invest in one of these.

But we’re not here for the fashion, right?  We’re here because we love music.  And mocking.  Or just mocking.  I don’t know.  What were we talking about?

  • Jacob Lusk sings “Let’s Get It On” “Man in the Mirror.”  Marvin Gaye was too nasty for our boy Lusky, so he decided to switch to a much less controversial artist like Michael Jackson.  Overall, it’s one of his less irritating performances… wait… is Lusky dry humping that back-up singer?  That’s kind of Gaye, isn’t it Jacob?  (HAHAHA see what I did there??)  Oh, she’s not a back-up singer, she’s “that woman” who wrote the song.  Duckface is having a senior moment and can’t remember her name.  He likes that Jacob leaves little pieces of himself all over the place.[1] J-Lo says it’s a beauteeful performance.  Sigh.  Randy spouts off some garbage about moral convictions.  I’m going to need some extra drugs.
  • Haley McHookerheels Miss Piggies her way through “Piece of my Heart.”  If she keeps singing like that, she’s going to need an emergency tracheotomy, and not just because I fantasize about sticking a butter-knife in her windpipe.  E-NOUGH!  UNCLE!!  I GIVE!!!  I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and SHUT IT!  Duckface says he “couldn’t find nothin’ wrong with it.”  Double negative Stevie!  That means everything was wrong with it.  Finally, the Face and I agree on something.
  • Casey Abrams sings “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?”  Mommy like.  Street-cred alert!  Dawg played the upright bass!  There’s lots of bas- love coming from the judges, but not a damn word about his singing.  Whatevs.  It’s just a singing competition.  When it suits them.  Either way, I’ll take Casey on his worst, smelliest day over Lusky or Piggy.
  • Lauren Alaina got her country in my R&B on “Natural Woman.”  Wow.  I need to consult my InStyle to find out where I can get the be-ginghamed crackwhore look .  On the upside, I thought it was a solid performance.  Duckface gets in touch with his inner sex offender and tells her she is a natural woman.  Blech.  The Dawg says good job, but alludes to the fact that Lauren probably shouldn’t have picked a song that previous Idols (Kelly Clarkson comes to mind) “laid out” on the stage.  Er.  I think I agree.
  • James Durbin sings “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”  I thought the beginning was a little shaky, and I could have done without the ear-drum piercer at the end, but overall I’m still feeling The Durbin.  J-Lo channels Paula in her feedback to James and wins her first-ever quote of the week here: “…we see you running around here all the time doing your rock ‘n roll thing and to see that side that is the side that really makes the rock ‘n roll side work, which is that other dimension, that other thing that lives so deeply inside you, that, that thing, that pain, whatever it is, you know, for you, and it’s so special to watch.”  Congrats Jenny!  Duckface helpfully tells James that George Harrison wrote the song he just sang.
  • McLeany sings “That’s Alright, Mama.”  Elvis!  Weeeeeeeeeeeee!  Er.  Uh oh.  There’s a lot of leaning and Popeye face going on here.  Dawg says Scotty is in it to win it and that “anyone who thinks you are a one-trick pony…yeah baby…what is going on!”  Gotcha.  Meanwhile the Face thought he was all hat and no cattle (arooooo?) but that he did the song well…and J-Lo says he has flava.  Was I watching the same performance?  Did I huff too much oven cleaner (again)?  Too little??  McLeany is a likeable guy with an above-average voice, but if they don’t stop filling his permanently-tilted noggin with this outright nonsense he’s going to have a nervous breakdown when he gets booted off the she show and tries to make it in the music industry.
  • Pia-bot 5000 sings “River Deep, Mountain High” (like I wish I was at this point).  Same shit, different day here.  She really is a fantastic singer.  Too bad all she really wants to do is EAT….BRAINS.  Yeah, I said it.  She is a zombie.  I have upgraded her to Zombie-bot 5000.  Face makes some vague masturbatory references.  Dawg says Pia is in it to win it.  J-Lo tells her she should watch some Fred Astaire.  Christ on a cracker, where is that can of Easy-Off?  (And I didn’t see a zit, Tulip.  Maybe next week she’ll have a cold sore.  Or show signs of rotting.)
  • Stefano Langone gets pwned by “When a Man Loves a Woman.”  Is it an over-share to tell you Stefano’s singing gives me diarrhea?  I woke up to this in my email from rant devotee, Dominic:  “If there ever was a loser, by God, it’s Stefano!  I seriously thought my DVR had taped an episode of ‘Flipper’ when I heard the first line of his song in that God-awful high octave.  Note –   he was the only contestant to receive a bad review from any judge.  I’ll give them a note – when sh*t like that begins, cut your losses.  Stop the song, drop the curtain, and kindly tell the audience and America that tomorrow’s show will be dedicated to people who can really sing, performing all of the songs that Stefano has butchered.  I think J-to-the-L-O has a thing for him because he looks like something that popped out of Marc Anthony when she spilled water on him.”  I guess Stefano-rage is contagious.  Take an Immodium now Dom!!
  • Paul McDonald sings “Folsom Prison Blues.”  Averaged-sized Pappy weighed in on our favorite unique singer with the following – “was he singing in English?  I didn’t understand a single word.  Randy loved it?  Are you kidding me?  These judges are worthless.  You’re a perfect, perfect boy?  Uhhhhhh WHAT?!  I need heavy drugs.”  (May I offer you some Off of the Easy variety, sir?)  I think he said “perfect, imperfect boy.”  That makes way more sense.  While I agree that at least half of the song was in Lithuanian, I did like it, and I still like him.  I have a soft spot for weirdos.  I mean, have you met Matt[2]?

Tonight should be interesting as pointed out by Dominic, there was very little negative feedback.  We had to, like, use our brains and form our own opinions.  IT BURNS!  IT BURNS!  I’m thinking Langone, Lusky and McLeany will be in the bottom…but maybe that’s just the Easy-Off talking?

[1] Jacob is beauteeful, beauteeful – and he’s the only beauteeful one this week!  Praise Allah!!

[2] Matt is my boyfriend.  He is a weirdo.  And he never reads ‘The Rant,’ which bothers me, so now I’m going to punish him.