I am a douche-canoe with incredibly poor time-management skills.  I am going out of town for a wedding this weekend and, of course, have left all the wedding crapola details until the last minute.  Heretofore, I did not have time to write The Rant until now and, such as, U.S. Americans don’t have maps and such as the Iraq, I am now penning this half-assed post-Das-Boot-episode in a transparent attempt to stay in your good graces.  Such as.  Thusly, I am going to make an attempt to keep the descriptions of Wednesday night’s shenanigans brief.

(Need a reference for the above?  Check out Ms. Teen South Carolina)

  • Paul sings “Old Time Rock and Roll” in a suit he bought at Cache.  Crazy wild abandon.  Getting something back from the audience that probably itches.  A diamond in the rough with more polish.  I love the you.  Good on you.  (I don’t know what that means.)
  • Lauren sings ‘The Climb.’  Miley Cyrus can suck it.  Snatch the Pia fans and put them in a bag.  Did Cache have a BOGO sale this week?  Put feather earrings on shopping list.  I’m bored.  I love the cry.  I love what a song brings to you.  (I don’t know what that means).  BEAUTEEFUL.
  • Moustachefano sings ‘End of the Road.’  Make it stop.  I can’t look.  Yo, yo listen.  Cred alert: Juan-O is going to text me.  You know how to milk a song (HORF).  Did J-Lo just say shit??
  • Popeye McLeany sings a song I kinda like…oh wait.  Nevermind.    You picked the just-right song.  Did J-Lo just swear again??  If it ain’t broke, don’t shave off that creepy tuft of chin hair.
  • Casey sings “Nature…” no, “In the Air To…” wait, back to “Natureboy.”  Love love LOVE!  You bring the special!  Cred alert!  I’m an artist!  I can judge!  Keemo-kymo-stair-stare-ma-hi-ma-ho-marump-sing-a-pumpernickel-soup-bang-nip-cap-parlia-mincha-cameo.  (The power of Christ compels you, Duckface.)
  • Piggy sings “Call Me.”  Haley: don’t call me.  (Nice one, Dom.)  Karaoke.  BEAUTEEFUL.  Pervy dress comment.  Vagina power.  But not so much.
  • Lusky sings “Bridge Over Troubled Water.”  ‘Crecnenedos’ and innuendos.  (Duckface is eating my soul tonight.)  It comes from another place, the place it’s supposed to come from.  Marinate and blow it up.  Oh please, PLEASE someone blow it up.  Cover me America!
  • James sings “Heavy Metal.”  From the film “Heavy Metal.” This kid is out of his ever-loving mind.  And I love it.  Killing it dead.  You did you.  Durbin rocks!  Sang his ass off!  Nice lip to Jimmy!


  • Oh good, more country.  Somebody get Popeye some spinach.  He’s about to fall over!  And I wanna borrow that dress.
  • I’m despondent that Pia wasn’t around for the zombie commercial.
  • I like Piggy’s dress too.  But this song is odd for Idol, scat dooby dat da da.  Level one sex offender alert: thanks for whipping that out on us!
  • Cool beans!
  • The Idol Man Band – I don’t hate it.  Is that so wrong?  I actually don’t mind Lusky and Moustachefano when other people are singing over them.
  • Mary Murphy is coming back to SYTYCD.  Shopping list update: feather earrings and factory -grade ear plugs.
  • Rihanna performs.  Make that a 3-for-1 at Cache.

And then…

Really America?  REALLY? Asshat Moustacefano gets to stay and Cache McDonald has to go?  I don’t get it.  Awww Maggie May.  Damn it America.  Meh.

— JenN out.