Friends, I’m running out of creative things to say about the 12-inch shit sandwich that is American Idol.

But I’ll try anyway.   For you, my legions of fans (legions = seven), I will make this sacrifice.

Have you noticed that when the announcer introduces the judges J-Lo raises her hand when said-announcer says Steve Tyler’s name and vice versa?  For a show that has one trillion viewers, you’d think the producers would have been able to work out that kink by now.

Meanwhile…what was that bizarre cast-off group number??  It troubled me on several levels, and not just because the ovaries-to-testicles ratio was whack.  Poor Paul – what in the hell were they thinking?  And has he gone completely tone deaf since he left the show? Also, I suspect Naima has not slept and has periodically been doing meth since she left the show.  (Not even once, Naima!)  It was less a performance and more a desperate cry for help.  I think she might have karate-kicked someone in the front row in the face.  That said, I often want to kick someone in the face while watching AI.

Off we go then.

  • McLeany sings something so dull I’m too bored to type the name of the song.  The judges are bored.  I’m bored.  McLeany is not in it to win it.  Duh.  He needs to bring it harder.  I guess that means next week the microphone will be parallel with, instead of perpendicular to, the side of his face?  (Geometry rules!)
  • James sings some Muse.  I liked Muse even before Twilight rammed it down my vampire-loving throat, but kids, I had a tough time with this one.  I don’t think I noticed until last night that much of that song is only one note.  However, I am OK with that, until you take that one note up an octave and screech it until I have ear cancer.  Duckface liked that he was going in a T-Rex direction (which I thought was just typical Tyler nonsense…but, apparently, T-Rex was a band of some influence during the ‘60s and ‘70s…thanks for edumacating me D-Face) and he thought James performed it ‘beauteefulleee.’  Sigh.
  • Haley sings Adele. I will agree that it was ballsy to sing a song that’s uber-popular right now.  And, despite the fact that she Miss Piggied twelve times in one song, the performance chafed me less than some of her others.  The platypus thought it was beauteeful.  Randy thought it was amazing to the third power.
  • Lusky sings Vandross, at least the parts he can remember.  I liked…the purple lighting design.  He with the face of a mallard thought it was beauteeful.  J-Lo thought it was beauteeful.  Then RANDY, who my friend Amber says was wearing a doily last night, tells Jacob that he misses the church boy and he needs to “go off the top.”  This is one of the many things about this show that makes me want to punch an orphan.  First they tell him to use restraint, and then they tell him the opposite two weeks later.  We go now live to Dominic, who is standing by in the field: “OK, so he was criticized at the beginning for doing too much, now they want him to do more?  They must understand, Jacob does not understand that criticism.  He’s going to be a stomping, Holy-Ghost-filled-fool next week if he makes it…and it will be THEIR fault.”  (I’ve read this sentence about ten times now and it makes me laugh every time.)
  • Casey sings ‘Smells Like Another Nirvana Disaster.’ I am a Casey fan, but I was not feeling this performance, dawg.  He was working the crazy-eye again…he reminds me of my dog Hannah when I cook bacon or try to take her to the vet.  Only scarier.

    Then he makes out with J-Lo.  Then the be-billed one lets out a string of expletives that had the censors pushing the mute button for about thirty seconds and, if the gossip sites are true (why wouldn’t they be?), nearly gave Nigel Lythgoe an aneurism.  I don’t know wtf he said, but I think it would be fun to speculate…how about…“That blew my balls off!”  And Randy replied with “Too bad – I love your balls, dawg !” (Nice one, Dana).  Or maybe… “That was so good I want to shove one of my feather hair-extensions up my own ass!”  And Randy says “Yo, your ass is in it to win it!”  (Other suggestion welcomed and encouraged.)  Oh, and I almost forgot – Casey is Amish.  All in all, just a cornucopia of weirdness during this segment.

  • Lauren sings Sara Evans.  Whoever that is.  And the Rock Mafia comes in to intimidate her.  Whoever they are.  Am I this tragically unhip? Anas platyrhyncos though it was beauteeful.  J-Lo thought it was beauteeful squared, and then told her she can do it!

Is it too much to hope that Lusky will be making footprints in the sand tonight?

— JenN