Hello minions! Welcome to Duckface and the Dawg: A Very Special ‘Screw You Mother Nature!’ edition.
It must be Mo-Nat’s time of the month, because she has been one irate bitch lately, and thusly has been inconveniencing me every chance she gets. First she blows down five large trees behind my house. Then she makes me work late. Then she interrupts American Idol. Then she antagonizes my furtards at midnight with her loud-ass thundering, and they wake me up with their loud-ass barking, and I end up getting 3.5 hours of sleep.
Also, she killed, like, 300 people yesterday. Not cool Mo-Nat. Not cool at all.
So I am wearing an XL pair of cranky-pants today and doubt I will have one nice thing to say about last night’s Idol. But you didn’t come here for nice-nice, am I right, dawgs?
Off we go then. (I miss Simon so hard.)
May I just say that Duckface’s complete indifference to the intro package featuring Carol King gave me one of the few moments of pure pleasure during last night’s show. Suck it King – I’m Steven Tyler! I got my granny-glasses on and I’m looking at the China Moon take-out menu. Pot stickers versus spring rolls is way more important than your lousy 40-year career.
- Lusky nearly blinded me with his bow-tie while singing “Oh No Not My Baby.” In an absolutely stunning turn of events, Duckface thinks it’s beauteeful. If I have to write that one more time I’m going to scream. (Well, no one’s forcing you to. In fact, no one’s even forcing you to write this whole thing. Oh yeah? Jump up your own ass, voices in my head.) J-Lo says there were little spaces where it wasn’t perfect…I’m thinking in particular the space in between the beginning and the end of the song. Randy thought it was some incredible scat. True dat! Dominic says “did he just sing that his Baby is a ‘she?’ And what is her name? Pete? Tim? Donald? Willy Wonka?”
- Lauren sings “Where You Lead.” Randy – take it to the bridge. “Six of you left, somebody’s gotta win, it’s time to throw down the gauntlet every time you’re up there, right? Cause each time could be the last time. Right? Or it could be the next time.” Or the time before could be the time before this time. Or the time after. Before the time. Time after time. Time, time, time, see what’s become of me. Stop, Hammer time. OK, where was I? Oh yeah, Lauren. Meh. Boring.
- Piggy and Crazy-eye sing “I Feel the Earth Move.” Damn it do I really have to write about their asshat duets too? Sure don’t.
- The Leaning Tower of McCreery nearly topples during “You’ve Got a Friend.” In smurfy pleather. Why do I like this show?
- James sings “Tornado warning for Floyd County TAKE COVER NOW!” Thanks to Mo-Nat, all I heard were the last three notes of this performance. Incidentally, those three notes sounded like a tornado siren. So, I’ll go to Rant Correspondent Amber for this one. “Is there a ‘Randy kiss of death?’ ‘Cause I gotta guess America, at this point, will do the exact opposite of what he says. ‘This guy may win the whole thing.’ Sorry, James.”
- Casey sings “Hi De Ho.” I think the link pretty much says it all. That and the performance increasing Duckface’s need for some Head ‘n Shoulders.
- Piggy sings…no. No. NOOOOOOO!!! Sigh. Piggy sings…”Beauteeful.” And wears a tragic Etsy headband during the intro. At least she only Piggied a couple of times.
- Jacob and James get into something not-so-good. I know I already made the executive decision not to rant about the duets. So I won’t. I’ll let Dominic do it for me. “Why in the hell did they put them in white t-shirts and white pants?! To distract from the horrible duet? They looked like a pair of Marshmallow Men, wreaking havoc on NYC streets.”
I don’t have a clue who will get the boot tonight. I’m not even sure I care anymore. Did anyone else watch The Voice this week? Is anyone else willing to openly admit they kinda liked it? Or that they really want to dry-hump Adam Levine? I’m just throwing things out here, of course. Would you guys mind if I wrote about that instead of AI?