Edición del Cinco de Drinko

Hola!  Bienvenidos a La Cara de Pato y El Perro, Edición del Cinco de Drinko.   Me llamo Juana-ita.  Mi Espanol es horrible, pero no tan horrible como American Idol.  Yo no sé por qué sigo viendo.  Qué quiero realmente es hacer el dulce, amor dulce a Adám Levine.   Pero supongo que no es ni aquí ni allá.

It is a sad state of affairs that the only way I can come up with an interesting intro for Duckface and The Dawg this week is by writing in another language.  Next week I may try Swahili.  On the up side, La Cara de Pato y El Perro does have a nice ring to it, no?

Please tell me you noticed how many times La Cara de Pato said beauteeful last night.  He averaged three times per performance.  Math is hard, I know, but that comes out to 30 times.  I think this could be an excellent drinking game.  Try playing it soon with someone you’d like to murder and let me know how that goes.  For extra fun, take a pill every time Randy says “in it to win it!”

Rant Aficionada Amberoni sent me a cry for help last night.  “”In this episode of Little House on the J-Lo… (WTF is she wearing?)…we have three ‘in-it-to-win-it’ contestants.  Can we all agree we should just eliminate two… call it a three-way (three-way!) tie… and declare this season over? Please?”

If only, Amber.  If.  Friggin’.  ONLY.

¡Nos vamos!

  • James, by default, is pretty much who I’m rooting for at this point.  At least, I would like to root for him.  IF HE WOULD STOP SUCKING.  That Thirty Seconds to Mars song (or whatever the hell the kids are listening to these days) was so sharp it peeled the paint off my walls.  And yet, the judges loved it.  The Dawg proclaimed for all the land to hear that James is ineth it to wineth it.  Or it is hiseth to loseth.  Or somethingith.  Either way, ‘tis high praise indeed, as heretofore, and not since, has such a title been bestowed upon a goodly one who has cometh to court at Ye American Idol.  Fast forward to James’ second performance of a Fingerbang song (oh – Badfinger?  My bad.  Finger.) which clearly demonstrated he is desperately in need of a Paxil prescription.  Here again, he was, how you say, sucking, but in a weepy way that made me feel a little sorry for him…but mostly annoyed.
  • Jacob’s “No Air,” on the other hand, was my favorite performance last night.  When he started pelvic thrusting while masturbatorily (yeah that’s a word) duetting (that is too.  Now.) himself…I mean…wow.  Wow wow wow.  Does television get any better than that?  Oddly, The Dawg was not feelin’ this performance.  Perhaps Jacob is in it to blow it.  And I’m not sure, but I think Dawg implied that Chris Brown should hit Jacob in the head with a fireplace poker.   And then there was “Love Hurts.”  On Yahoo today a writer said it should be “Eardrum Hurts.”  He HAS TO HAS TO HAS TO go tonight, right?  CAN I GET A WITNESS???
  • Lauren was good on her first song, I guess.  Asking me to judge country is like asking a vegan to rate a cheeseburger.  Wait, cheeseburgers are delicious.  Especially with bacon.  Maybe I’ll have a BLT for lunch today.  Or maybe a veggie burger – WITH BACON.  Oh the irony.  Um…oh yeah.  Lauren.  It was…er…good or…whatever.  The judges were drooling over her.  Like she was a sizzling piece of bacon.  (Is anyone else getting the niggling feeling that Lauren or McLeany might win this season because Red is ‘in’ and AI needs another Underwoody cash cow to make up for the DeWyze Debacle, etc. et. al.?)  Later she sang “Unchained Melody,” which was just a wretched idea.  I don’t think the producers should let anyone else sing that song on Idol ever.  Unless my Simon-poopy-doopy-pants comes back.
  • Again with the country songs.  I didn’t know that first McLeany song from a hole in the wall.  So, uh, good job, McLeany.  Randy declares he is in it to win it!  Unheard of!  Now… the second song could have been vastly improved if it was set to a dance beat.  And sung by two gay Brits.  All I can say McLeany is…what have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
  • Which brings me to Miss Piggy.  I need someone, FOR REALS, to email me, call me, text me, Facebook me, send me a telegram, a drum song, WHATEVER, and PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME how her singing does not annoy the ever-loving-fuck-n-stuff out of you.  And the bitch of it…she has a good voice, if she would just quit Big-Spendering every other damn lyric!  SO, the Spendering — and her latest purchase from Etsy — aside, I’m not sure I agree with the judges lambasting her over singing the “unknown” GaGa song.  The song wasn’t bad, and most of us (excluding a certain boyfriend who worships the ground GaGa lays an egg upon) don’t know it…so we can’t compare it to the original and find it lacking.  As for “House of the Rising Sun” – again, if she would just STOP MISS PIGGYING I could say nice things about that performance.  But she won’t.  So I can’t.

Meanwhile, and I realize this is so last week, but how exciting is it that Frenchie Davis is on The Voice?  I am really hearting that show.  Hard.  I even like all of the “coaches.”  And that’s saying something.  Because I hate everyone.

-Juana-itaN a caba (or something like that)