I was going to give our newest contributor JenN a long detailed introduction, but she does a perfectly good job of introducing herself, so I’ll skip that.  Instead I will answer your unspoken question.  Isn’t this a book site?  Well sure, in part.  Midtown Review IS where books live… but it’s also where TV, movies and any other damn thing we want to talk about come to visit.  Without further ado, heeeeere’s JenN!

Hello!  I am JenN, and you are reading The Rant.  Each week I’ll take up a few minutes of your life that you will never get back, and give you my opinions on the glorious clusterfuckery that is “American Idol.”

As my devotees (and there are millions of them…or maybe seven) know, The Rant has been around in some form since Olden Times (2003); originally as an email; most recently as a Facecrack bloggy-thing.

Then, last year, tragedy struck.  I was forced to go on hiatus after a wine enema accident landed me in the Sober Valley Lodge for a few weeks.  Turns out I couldn’t have picked a better time for a “break.”  Two words: Lee DeWyze.

But now…I’m back!  And I’m so pleased and proud to have tricked Midtown Review into giving The Rant the illusion of legitimacy by posting my inane ramblings on its site.  (Suckers!)

Without further ado, but plenty of doo-doo, I present to you the first edition of The Rant, 2011!

Let me say first, that I am cloaked in shame while writing this.  I can’t believe I still watch this crapfest.  And write about it.  But hey – you’re reading it.  Muahahahaha.

Secondly – I am increasingly disturbed by the fact that I am in agreement with the Dawg on a regular basis.  I have always relied heavily on Randy to provide a nonsensical stream of garbage that contained nothing even approaching accuracy or usefulness.  However, in the wake of my beloved Simon’s departure, and compared to Frick and Frack, Randy is the best we got, yo.  Yo yo yo.  Sigh.

Off we go then (I LUV U 4-EVA SIMON!!)…

  • Lauren Alaina, doing a wretched Shania Twain song – Damn!  I feel like a woman…who wants to move on immediately to the next contestant.  (But I would like to borrow that top.)
  • Casey Abrams, working some Joe Cocker – Oh my.  That sounded filthy.  Segue!  I don’t care if he looks like a filthy lumberjack and probably smells like a comic book store, I dig this dude.  I liked him from the minute he dragged that ridiculous bass onstage during the never-ending Hollywood rounds.  He can sing and he’s interesting, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for…
  • Ashton Jones, who butchered some Diana Ross — Why is she even in the Top 13?  BLARF.  The only thing notable about her performance was that it brought forth the first in a slew of comments from Steven Tyler that made me wonder if he is a registered sex offender.  “You’ve got a lot more show us, and I know you’re going to show it to us.”  Icky.
  • Paul McDonald, doing some Ryan Adams song I’ve never heard before – This guy is a complete WEIRDO, and I love it!  I preferred his spazzy Rod Stewart from last week to this week’s performance, but overall, he cracks me up.  Will he win?  Doubtful.  But I hope his skinny ass and his raspy voice stick around for a while.  Side note: oh Randy, you are so hip to the jive because you threw out a Wilco reference, Dawg.
  • Pia Toscano singing “All By Myself” – P-To started out OK, but by the time she got to the money note, Luna was howling along with her.  (Luna is my cocker spaniel mix who has well-documented emotional issues.)  Randy was extra-helpful with the feedback here first reminding us, yo yo, that this is season 10, his tenth season (it’s going to be a long couple of months)…he then told Pia she’s “hot, dope and cool.”  Hot and cool.  High praise indeed.  Meanwhile, Creepy Von Duckface tells her it was “beautiful.”  But…do you notice when Steven Tyler says “beauuteeeful” he kind of sounds like…I don’t know…Joe Pesci?
  • James Durbin sings Paul McCartney – How can you bag on this guy?  Yeah, he’s a little Lamberty, but not only can he sing his posuer earring off; he’s got some Twitcy McTwitchystein disease that totally disappears when he sings.  I’m rooting for this kid.  Twitch on, my brother!
  • Haley Reinhart damn near YODELED ME INTO DEAFNESS – I hereby declare that The Rant is a yodel-free zone!  Yodelers can SUCK IT!  And in a stunning turn, Pesci-creep Von Duckface said it’s “beauuteeeful.”
  • Jacob Lusk continues the ear-rape and believes he can fly – Do I really have to listen to this all season?  I recognize he has talent, amen, but between the screaming and the detour through Melody Crazytown…ughhhhhhhhh…
  • Thia Megia sounds freakishly like Michael Jackson while singing Charlie “Chapman” – hey, this isn’t bad…it’s kind of sweet…and…wait, is that a Casio keyboard beat?  And…it all goes to hell.  Duckface says she “gave it up.”  That old perv wishes.
  • Stefano Langone makes the mistake of sooooo many before him and attempts some Stevie Wonder – I love The Wonder, and no one ever lives up to him, but this isn’t terrible…at least no so far…wait…CHRIST is that the Casio again???  I could put Langone between two pieces of Wonder bread (hahaha see what I did there?  Wonder??) and make a kick-ass grilled cheese, but after that I’m done with him.  Meanwhile, Duckface nods approvingly and says it’s (wait for it) “beauuteeeful.”  In fact, the judges all love it!  Clearly, they snorted some meth during the commercial break.
  • Karen Rodriguez = EPIC FAIL.  You and your Studio 54 pantsuit are headed home tonight.
  • Scotty McCreery sings some country song – Scotty is very likeable, but I really don’t know what the Leaning Tower of Creery is doing there.  He’s not in the same league as the rest of them (or at least the ones I like).  They are going to crush his soul.
  • And finally…Naima Adedapo.  Direct quote from me, to no one, as I am watching – “what…the hella hella hella…is going on????”  One of the weirdest Idol performances ever…but if only for shits and giggles, I hope she sticks around.

– JenN OUT!